


Not Alone

by katawa_shoujos_bitch



Category: Katawa Shoujo
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-23 19:37:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18708631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katawa_shoujos_bitch/pseuds/katawa_shoujos_bitch
Summary: wrote this on a daregot way too into it because im Like Thatuhh yep. the epilogue chapters are edgy as fuck btw





	1. Chapter 1

The rooftop gate is cold against my back. I can feel it through my shirt. I’m sitting with my back up against it, eyes closed, whiskey bottle still clutched in my hand. Most of my willpower is focused on breathing.

Kenji’s on another tirade, but I don’t have the energy to hear it, let alone process it. Summoning all my power, I open one eye a crack. There’s nothing revolutionary to see. Just an angry, crazy guy.

The sounds of the festival are still audible. They creep their way into my conscious, but I can tell that it’s becoming quieter. The festival is ending, and everyone’s going home. The fun is over. So, now, am I really so different, up here? Yes. Unlike them, I’m alone. I’ve isolated myself, an idiotic move, I suppose. I’m alone.

Well, I guess I’m not alone, technically. Kenji’s here. That must mean something, right? Kenji’s here, trying to talk to me. Well, more talking to himself, but still.

I can hear my heartbeat pound in my ears. It really is my fault, isn’t it? I’m even ignoring the one person who’s still with me. He won’t be upset, of course. After all, he’s Kenji, but… still. I gather my strength and zone back in for a moment.

“…that I am lucky enough to be a one point eight on the…”

Never mind. That’s not worth it.

It takes everything out of me, but I decide to keep my eyes open at the very least. Maybe if I stay conscious I’ll eventually start to feel like I’m alive again. Somehow, despite having proof of my pulse pounding in my ears, I feel dead.

Kenji’s pounding his fist against the gate, yelling something I don’t have the energy to decipher. “Don’t do that.” I didn’t expect myself to speak. My voice sounds raspy, as though I hadn’t used it in years. “Dangerous.”

“You’re one to talk. Leaning against the gate like that.”

He has a point. If the gate behind me were to fail, I don’t think I’d have the reaction time to save myself. Granted, I don’t think I could move even if I wanted to. Which I don’t, really.

Regardless of his incredibly valid retort, Kenji does indeed stop pounding on the gate. It seems like his rant has been temporarily stalled. I wonder, distantly, how long that will last. I notice my eyes have closed again.

He’s sitting next to me now. When did that happen? Both of us are uncharacteristically quiet. Especially him. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him shut up for this long. And when he does speak, it’s quiet, solemn—I’ve never heard him like this.

“Thanks for being my hallmate. Nice to have an ally, y’know?”

“Not like I had a choice.”

“No, you did. Plenty of guys were assigned that room before. They all requested a different one. Poof. Gone.”

“Hm.”

The festival is over. That much is obvious. We should leave soon—it’s probably really late, and someone might find us. We’re not actually allowed on the roof, not to mention the fact that the two barely conscious kids and empty whiskey bottle aren’t too hard to piece together. Even if we could explain our way out of that, my burning face and Kenji’s apparent inability to properly separate his words would do us in well enough. “ _But,_ they were all skeptics. Other day I was wondering about them. Turns out that, like, half of them have girlfriends now. Tsk.” He’s tapping the ground impatiently. “Not you, though!” He gestures vaguely to the night sky. “My influence!”

I guess he’s not wrong. Well, technically. “I thought you said this was the night of despair, or whatever.” Oh, I can’t separate my words either. That’s fun.

“Oh, right. Yeah, it is.” He pauses, as if getting back into a role. “So, I’m a… one point… eight, right? Yeah, what’re you?”

“I don’t… th—“

“Hope you’re not a zero. For your sake I mean. I hope. Being a zero in this world is rough. I’m pretty close to it, so I have to be wary of myself, of course, but I was lucky enough to—“

“No, I’m not a zero. God.” Granted, I still have no idea what a ‘zero’ means. Hell, I still don’t know what a ‘one point eight’ means. Clearly it means something, though, because Kenji visibly tenses. Did I just say something significant? I just wanted to shut him up for a second. Shit. Most of my energy right now is going towards staying upright. And I’m not even doing that very well.

I fall to the side, lethargy winning over my weakening willpower. I’m not aware of anything, now. I think I’m unconscious. Something catches my head before it can smash into the pebbly ground of the roof. Something soft. I make out a strangled noise in the back of my throat before I fade away entirely.

 

\--------

 

Waking up feels like an epilogue. Like the story has ended, and I’m overstaying my welcome in the world. There’s nothing I can do to shake the feeling, and it doesn’t matter much anyway, since it is massively losing in the battle of what’s making me feel shittier. There’s the pounding in my head, the light streaming in the windows, the fact that my eyes won’t seem to open. My leg hurts too. I don’t even have an explanation for that. And I… my…  _wait. **Shit.**_

I sit bold upright, frantically searching myself and my surroundings for inconsistencies. I cannot  _express_ my relief that my clothes are all in place, if a little gross. After all, waking up the next morning after a night of drinking, however somber, has its implications. Luckily, it seems like I’m alright.

The next thing I notice is where I am. Curled up in the corner of my room, wedged between bookshelf and wall. What the fuck. I check my leg and find that, indeed, a long and deep bruise runs down my thigh. Where in the world did  _that_ come from? I don’t remember getting hit with a bat!

I pull myself to my feet with great effort, trying to ignore the sheer amount of pain I’m in. It’s indescribable. A memory surfaces, fighting its way through the muck that is my mind. How did I get here? Where is Kenji? Do I care?

School today. School. Shit. Actually, you know what? Screw it. I’d be useless in class anyway. I change my clothes methodically, just to feel a little less awful. It doesn’t do much. School is an unconquerable task, that’s for sure, but I feel like I need to do something. Anything. My entire body disagrees. When I move, it complains. I’m fighting an uphill battle against myself, I think.

I manage to stagger my way out my door and across the short hallway, to the door that is, predictably, closed and locked. I slam my fist against it once, twice, leaning most of my weight against it. The noise that responds is more of a cry than a response. I wince. “Open the door, Kenji.”

A pause, a crash, some stumbling. Something falls over. Sounds like it shattered. A few clicks, and then the door opens. I almost fall forward, but somehow catch myself. His glasses aren’t on. ” _What?”_

I swallow, suddenly feeling whatever semblance of composure I had drain away. “Y—I mean, are you okay?”

Kenji raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, of course, that’s why I screamed when you knocked on my door.”

I don’t think I can deal with his antics today. Quite honestly, it doesn’t seem like he can deal with himself either. “Fine, I’ll leave you alone.”

“No,” he half says, half mutters, “I mean, I didn’t say that.”

He opens the door half-heartedly, eyes watching me expectantly. Can he see me? “No, dude. Let’s go outside.”

His face pales. It’s immediately obvious he is not exactly thrilled about my suggestion. It makes a certain amount of sense. I guess I couldn’t expect anything different.

“Like, for a walk. Clear our heads. Fresh air?”

“…” He may be considering it. “Fine.” He glances around the small hallway quickly, fear in his eyes. “But… later. When it’s dark. And no one’s out. Safer. Six?”

“Whatever. Sure.” I didn’t mean to make plans with Kenji. I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t dead, and clear my head—it was an afterthought to include him, and, well… I hadn’t expected him to accept. The door closes, leaving me back in the hallway, alone. Alone again. Always. I close my eyes and press two fingers to my head. If only existence just didn’t hurt so much right now.

 

\--------

 

Knock. Knock.  **Knock.**

Someone’s pounding on my door. It’s way louder than anyone would need to hit a door. It doesn’t take much brain power to figure out who it is. Which is a great thing, since I don’t have much of that, and I need to preserve it if I’m going to spend another who-knows-how-long with Kenji. Interestingly, I don’t find myself dreading it as much as I would expect.

I force myself up, ignoring the pressing feeling in my chest, and stumble over to the door. Luckily, I had the foresight to be ready to go in advance. Granted, I thought we’d meet outside, but maybe Kenji’s impatient now. Who knows with that guy, anyway?

He stands outside the door with a mockingly wide smile on his face. I kind of want to punch him. No, I don’t. What do I want, again?

 

Outside, the sky is already darkening. I process, distantly, that it’s pretty early for the sun to be almost completely set. Regardless, there are already stars beginning to dot the sky. The uncharacteristic silence, the isolation from any stray humans, the stars in the sky—it all brings me back to the roof. A direct recreation, huh? Not really. Kenji doesn’t have whiskey and pretzels. He’s not hiding in a blanket fort either. I’m not teetering on the edge of… well, what? On the edge of the roof, maybe. Ha.

“Do you like the nighttime?” I’m not sure which one of us said it. Based on Kenji’s expression, it looks like it was me.

He frowns, obviously displeased by this question. “If you’re asking if I prefer the way the nighttime looks or feels, then no. Well, maybe. But I go out at night because. It’s the only time that’s safe, you know? You gotta stay on your toes. Broad sunlight? Sunlight hits you in the wrong way?” He claps his hands together, making me jump. The startle runs through my body even after I react, making me suppress a shiver. Maybe it’s just cold. “BAM! You’re sniped right off your feet!” He taps his glasses. “Especially me. You see these things? I might as well set off a flare.”

I remember, wistfully, that brief moment on the rooftop when Kenji’s ramblings made sense to me. Looks like that’s a distant dream now. I find myself listening, though, my head lolling to one side, half thoughtful, half exhausted. 

"...Do... you... like the nighttime?" 

I pause, thinking over my answer. It feels like a riddle, somehow. Like if I say the wrong thing, I don't know... maybe he'll snipe me off my feet. "Yeah, I guess. It's..." It's what? "...peaceful?" 

He considers this. Then he tsks at me, as if I were a petulant child. "Don't be naive, Hisao. It is never peacetime. It is only downtime." Well, whatever. I tried to have a normal conversation with him, but I guess the effort was in vain from the beginning. It's my own fault, I should have known. This is a waste of time, anyway, I should just go back-- "But... I guess it does seem that way. You're right, I suppose." 

My head jerks up, fueled by genuine shock. "I am? And wait, you--uh, I mean--" 

He rolls his eyes. Or, at least, I think he does--that is what the movement of his head implies, but I can't see his actual eyes. Unfortunately.  _Unfortunately?_ "Well, you seem to be an ally in a world of insanity. And now you're filled in on my theories. Well, mostly--I still have those charts to go over with you. And I was hoping you'd help me with a few preparations." He shrugs, and I am absolutely confounded. His wording feels mature and reasonable (which is unusual in itself), but his words, oh god, what the hell is he talking about? "...Well, we can't talk about that now anyway. We can talk about other things for now." 

"O-Okay." A very interesting adrenaline is rushing through me. My hands are jittering awkwardly, and I shove them in my pockets to stop it, to no avail. 

"So, like." He takes his glasses off, apparently to clean them off, but he doesn't replace them on his face, and instead opts for dropping them in a pocket. For the second time, I am confronted with Kenji, at his most authentic. "Was there anything you wanted to talk about, or know, or whatever? You initiated this, so..." 

Ah, yes, that I did indeed do. I'm not sure whether or not I regret it now. I stop walking, finding that we've arrived at the edge of a vast forest that I don't particularly want to traverse right now. "Yeah, I, uh..." I swallow, suddenly nervous. "I don't know, actually. I don't think I had a plan." 

He nods and takes his place in front of me. I wonder how this looks. Or how it would look, if anyone could see us right now. Of course, what's actually happening is that my hallmate cannot handle leaving his room during the daytime, save for the occasional class that he's required to attend. In the dim moonlight (and without his glasses), I wonder if he can even see me as anything more than maybe a silhouette. I can see him, though--he looks so differently without his glasses. Startlingly different. Like a different person. He even speaks differently, I think. His eyes are narrow and dark, not only in color, but the darkness under them is nearly inhuman. He's pale, of course, almost sickly so. He's smiling, I think, but it's a melancholy one. He looks ill. That's the only word I can think of to describe him. 

Well, no, it's not, I can think of a few others. 

Actually, you know what? Never mind. I can't think of anything else, not a single word in the dictionary. 

I clear my throat, more to break the silence than anything. 

"So, do you--" I break him off, grabbing him by the wrist and pulling him into the ever darkening forest. It's stupid, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I just needed to do something, and for some reason, dragging this random guy into a forest at night won out. I think his craziness might be rubbing off on me, but I don't know. 

Both of us fall pretty quickly, mostly due to the darkness and the ground filled with roots. I immediately lose my grip on Kenji's wrist and find myself on the ground, unable to see much of anything except a few leaves under my hands. "Hisao? Hisao!?" Unfortunately, it seems I have overlooked something. If I can barely see, Kenji is probably experiencing the equivalent of being thrown into the void. Everything I think I know about him melts away. Turns out even the quirkiest of personalities can be melted away by mortal fear. Who would've thought, right? 

I can see where he is, but he no doubt is at a loss. So I move over to him instead of trying to make him follow my voice. I think he can tell that I'm next to him, because he noticeably softens when I sit down. Still, he's whipping his head around, searching. 

"Where are you?" 

"Here. Next to you." I say it as nonchalantly as I can, but my own goddamn adrenaline, which, by the way, is what I'm blaming my snap decisions on, thank you, is going absolutely wild, still. Kenji seems to identify my voice, but it somehow doesn't help him much. Out of options, and also kicking myself for getting myself into this situation in the first place, I grab his hand from where it was moments ago digging into the ground for stability. He relaxes immediately, no longer alone in the apparent void. It dawns on me that if he somehow wound up here alone at night, there's a good chance he'd be stuck until the sun came up. And, well, I'm well aware of how he feels about the daytime. His fear is to be expected. I can feel his pulse in his fingers. It's unnerving. I'm losing my resolve, and that's saying quite a lot, considering I was pretty sure a minute ago I had no resolve left. 

He sighs, once, twice, three times, and relaxes backwards, and of course slams into a tree. 

"Shit, you okay?" 

"Yeah, no, it's... fine." It sounds like he's grimacing. Does Kenji grimace? I'm not sure I've ever seen it. But there have been a lot of firsts tonight, so why not add to the pile? 

I flinch at myself. I don't like that sentence. I take it back. 

"So what... the  _hell..._ was that?" His breath is still gone. Makes sense. I can't exactly imagine Kenji running laps with Emi. Or anyone, for that matter. 

I shrug, but it is of course meaningless. "I don't know." He doesn't respond to me, only pushes himself a little closer to where he estimates I'm sitting. He estimated correctly. "You wanna go back?" He seems to nod and sit up, fumbling for his glasses as if they'll give him night vision. 

"Which direction is the way out?" 

 

\--------

 

I don't remember my dream. 

I know I had a dream. I don't know what it was. It was a good dream, I think. It unsettled me, for some reason, though. I open my eyes, confronted with the sunlight pouring into my room. I must have slept later than I expected. Well, it's Sunday anyway, no class. So, who cares. 

I pull myself up, trying to shake off the last remnants of sleep and dreams. God, I really wish I could remember that. Damn. 

Looks like it's already almost noon. That was probably a dumb thing, sleeping so late, but whatever. It's not like I have anywhere to go, or anyone to see, or... I swallow, closing my eyes against the growing despair in my chest. It feels like a hollow hole, ever empty, ever dark. It's a new feeling to me. 

Well, that's not entirely true. I remember the first time I felt it--back in the hospital, wasting days and weeks and months away with nothingness. Just time. It's such a crawling, dark feeling I want to hit my chest until it goes away. I don't, obviously, since that could literally kill me, but still. I want to. 

The forest mocks me outside my window. I remember in a rush my stupid,  _stupid_ impulsive move from the day before. Am I losing my mind? I think I'm spending too much time with Kenji. Oh, god, that's a scary thought. He's not pounding at my door, which is probably a good sign. I get the feeling he's pretty clingy, which might be fair, honestly, if the story about all his other hallmates that left was true, which I suspect it was. Sure, Kenji spouts bullshit regularly, but I don't think he knows it's bullshit. He's nuts, not a liar. I assume. 

I don't have the energy to dissect my own thoughts. Come to think of it, I've been pretty low on energy in general lately. Except for the periodic jittering, but I consider than adrenaline, rather than actual energy. 

 

I find myself dressed and showered with no memory of doing so. I consider getting food, but just the idea of walking down to the Shanghai makes me just want to collapse into bed again. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like I have any other options. Screw it. I close my door and settle myself into my desk chair. I feel no better, although no longer hung over, so that's a bit of a plus. Still, the ill feeling doesn't dissipate, leaving me with my head down on my desk. God. I wish I didn't waste my first week here. Now it doesn't feel like I even have the  _option_ of befriending anyone, unless you count Kenji, which I don't. 

I mean, sure, we kinda bonded, in a way, and for a moment there I felt weirdly compelled to know him better and be closer to him, but that doesn't matter. He's Kenji, after all. The first time I met him he greeted me with a rant about whatever theory he had that time about women or whatever. 

And so what if he takes up more space in my head than anyone else in this school? I talk to him the most. 

And so what if I talk to him more than anyone else in this school? It's by happenstance, not because of me. Or him. 

Oh, shit. 

 

\--------

 

Breathe, idiot. 

Wait, who said that? It wasn't me.

Misha, a few short feet away from me, is now apparently focusing her energy on poking me in the arm. "Breathe, Hisao~! You're turning blue!" 

"No, I'm not." 

"Okay, okay~ you're not, but still! You will soon if you don't breathe." 

I inhale, if only to appease Misha. To be fair, I hadn't realized I was holding my breath, so maybe I owe her thanks. She'll never get those thanks, though, because just as I open my mouth to respond, Mutou shoots both of us a warning look, and Misha jumps back into her seat, giggling and quickly signing something to Shizune. Shizune doesn't see, and Misha pouts. 

I roll my eyes. I'm not particularly interested in whatever the lecture is going on today. I find myself doodling in my notebook instead of paying attention. The period passes quickly, and I glance over my 'drawings', if you could even call them that. I wasn't paying much attention while making them, so I'm not sure what they even are. 

Oh. Kill me. 

 

\--------

 

"Hisao! That is Hisao, right? Yeah, it's totally you. I found my charts, I gotta show them to you, they're super important. Loads of important information on them, and--" 

I'm going to slam my head against a wall. 

"--listen, check this one out, it's housing prices paired with the slight fluctuation of the female population. See this? This is what I'm talking about, see?" 

I swear to god I'm literally going to crack my skull against a brick wall. "I can't, Kenji." 

He noticeably deflates. I definitely do not care or feel bad for him. "C'mon, this is important." 

"I cannot. I have to go." Which is only half a lie. No, I have literally nowhere to be, but my whole body feels weak. I'm pretty sure I'm about to collapse. Or maybe throw up. Or maybe both, come to think of it. Man, that'd be fun. God, I'm not even thinking clearly. I need to sleep. 

"I have pizza." 

Oh, shit. "Okay." I did not mean to say that. 

 

"So,  _this_ one shows the progression of the world population, versus the male population, versus the female population. Look at this!" He points emphatically at an intersection towards the end of the graph. " _Females surpass males!_ It wasn't like this before! They're growing! Quite honestly, I think that this is proof enough, but I have more..." 

I'm pretty confident that graph's information is skewed, but I don't care enough to point out his terrible sources. I feel like I've risen from the dead. It's kind of incredible the way my feelings have made a complete turnaround. Even Kenji's ranting (which is still going, by the way--I've lost track of what he's talking about, though) is amusing instead of annoying. I'm smiling. Damn, how long has it been since I smiled? It makes my lips crack. Too long, I suppose. I'm actually sitting up, fully upright, which is a minor miracle. 

"And uh, this one... shit. I wrote this too small. Dammit. I can't read it. I'll come back to this one." 

"No, it--" I'm almost propelled off the bed. I really do have renewed energy. "I can help you with it." In three strides (is that a record?) I'm next to him, reading over his shoulder. "It says, uh..." I turn my head only a few degrees and find that I've put myself in a very bizarre position that includes my face being about two inches from Kenji's, if that. Huh. He doesn't seem flustered or anything, only vaguely impatient that I've cut off mid sentence. "Huh--I, uh..." This is cliche and also very stupid. I take a breath and read the label. "It says... 'Amount of people who call themselves feminists'." He grins and practically pushes me away to grab the poster. 

I stumble a few steps backwards, dejected. " _Yes!_ This one's really important!" He unravels it quickly, and displays it dramatically. "The numbers have been going  _down._ Why? Think about it, man--they're going  _undercover..._ "

I find myself smiling at the new rant, which is already becoming gibberish to my ears. Man. 

So much for my good mood, I guess. 

 

\--------

 

 

I can sense a hyped up Emi a few paces behind me, and by sense, I mean I can hear metal hitting the ground at about the same rate of a person running. That, of course, would be Emi running in the halls again. I am correct.

"Hey, what's going on? You stopped showing up in the morning." 

"Yeah, sorry I didn't give you a heads up. That was rude. I'm stopping the morning exercise." 

"Aw man, how come?" I can't discern whether she's genuinely disappointed or playing it up. 

I shrug regardless. "It wasn't my thing. Don't worry about me though, I'll figure it out." 

Her eyes remain steady on mine, still bright but with solemness behind them. "Okay." She pauses, and does something that I think is the equivalent of leaning back on her heels. "Hey, do you have many friends here yet? You can come have lunch with me and Rin if you want." 

I shake my head, but I smile at her. "I'm making friends fine. Thanks, though." 

She glances around awkwardly for a moment so short it was almost imperceptible, then flashes me a grin and runs off, shouting, "Alright, Hisao! See you!" over her shoulder.

 

Class is boring again. I silently thank the lord that there's still some time before exams. I'm far from ready, and I don't particularly like the idea of just going and studying for the next few days straight. The idea almost makes me feel ill, actually. 

As class ends, I pull together a few papers I need to complete for homework and decide to go up to the roof. While it's an interestingly popular spot during the school day, it's generally deserted after hours. 

 

It is not, apparently, generally deserted after hours anymore. And guess who's there when I arrive? Yup. I actually glanced up at the sky for a moment, half expecting to see a cloud shaped like a middle finger. 

"Hey! I was kinda hoping you'd come up here, but I didn't think you actually would." 

Kenji. 

"What're the odds, right?" He pauses momentarily, as if struck by an idea. "No, really. The odds of this are incredibly low. I'd keep a lookout, just in case." 

"Sure, yeah, okay. I'll look out." 

"Great." He nods solemnly. I very well can't leave now. " _Anyway,_ check out what I got more of." He pulls a bottle of whiskey out from a bag I hadn't noticed before. "Rooftop tradition? Uh, I have popcorn, not pretzels, though." 

I consider this for a second, but honestly, my mind was made up from the beginning. "Pass it over." 

He does, and I take my first drink of the night. It burns just as much as before, completing the image. I breathe, waiting for the burning to subside enough so that I can take another gulp without it hurting too bad. Then I pass it back, and sit myself down, back against the gate, waiting for the substance to begin to take hold of me. 

Of course, two gulps won't do much for anyone. Together, we work our way through the rest of the bottle, and I'm left up against the gate. It's warm against my back. I exhale, a soft humming making its way out of the back of my throat. Unlike last time, I'm not secretly hoping the gate will give way under me, letting me fall. My eyes are opening, and I'm watching Kenji stumble around the roof, pacing back and forth, giving what seems to be a speech that he's improvising ninety percent of. In fact, it seems like his brain is making connections as he speaks, and he's trying to incorporate all of them on the spot. It's kind of entertaining, actually. The sheer passion with which her spouts bullshit is almost impressive. 

I find myself smiling. Kenji's saying something about his ex girlfriend, some theory of what she was 'secretly capable of'. For some reason, something about that puts my heart at ease. 

"Mm..." It's a noise of tiredness. Granted, I didn't expect it, but whatever. I don't have control of my words right now. "...your theories are cute." 

It's a soft mumble, but Kenji catches it regardless. "They're not..." He looks suddenly uncomfortable, and his face is going red--well, redder than it already was from the drink. "... **theories,** they're facts..." 

Why does he look like that? I don't think I've ever seen Kenji genuinely flustered. What triggered this? 

Oh. 

Oh. ... _ **Oh.**_

Oh, no. Oh, shit. Oh, god, oh fuck.

"No, man, I mean like," I pull myself to my feet--well, to the best of my ability. Most of my weight is still supported by the gate, but whatever. "like, in, a manly way. Manly picnic. Manly... cute theories." I let go of the gate and push myself off, which may have been a mistake.

I struggle to keep my balance and stagger forward several paces before completely losing it and falling forward. Luckily, Kenji manages to somehow catch me. "Yeah, man. Totally." I find myself gripping his upper arm just to stay upright. It's not working great, considering that, if anything, he's more drunk than me.

"Ha..." My mind is stalling, and yet somehow I still can't keep up with it. 

Shit, what was I doing again? I don't remember. Where the hell am I? Who knows? I sure as hell don't.

I pick up  _an_ activity. I'm pretty sure it's not even close to what I'd intended to do a few moments ago, but quite honestly, a few moments ago might as well be ancient history now. What was I doing? Oh, right. 

I kiss him. 

It's practically involuntary. And oh, I'm not moving either. That's an important clarification. I don't pull away, and he doesn't either. With both of our focus drawn away from staying standing, it doesn't take more than a couple moments for both of us to crash to the ground. I barely process it. I'm far more focused on other things, like, I don't know, the boy under me? 

It's nothing short of exhilarating. The every-once-in-a-while noises from one of us, the sensation, even the feeling of rocks jutting into my hand (from where, by the way, it is pressed to the ground right to the side of Kenji's head. The other hand found its way into his hair when I wasn't paying attention) all add to the perfection of the moment. Like eternity all in an instant. 

Well, maybe that feeling is helped along by the fact that my head is currently buzzing with  _two_ different sensations, and is completely incapacitated for the time being. 

Finally, I pull away from him just an inch, despite the nearly physical pain it brings me. He's breathing even harder than I am, and swallowing between each breath. I inhale once, twice, calm my lungs, and speak. 

"Let's go back." 

 

\--------

 

Pain. 

Jesus christ, this fucking hurts. 

I thought last time was bad, oh man, I really didn't know what I was in for. My eyes aren't even open, and the hints of sunlight are already pushing me over the edge into agony. I pull my hands up and cover my eyes, hoping naively that it would help at least a little. It doesn't. 

I don't even know where the hell I am. In a bed, it seems, so it's at least an improvement from last time, when I woke up curled in a ball on my floor. At least now my neck isn't stiff. That's not much of a consolation, though. And regardless, I'm quickly made aware that I have far worse problems to contend with. 

Like, for example, I don't know--the fact that I'm not alone. 

I'm not alone? 

Oh my  _god,_ I'm not alone. 

 

First course of action is shower. If I can clear my head a bit, maybe I can sort out the situation like an adult and figure out a normal course of action that will result in everything being fine and not excessively awkward.

Hahahahaha. 

I'm not wrong in the idea that showering would make me feel a little better, but it doesn't stop my head from spinning, both with pain and just about a million thoughts I just don't have the will to sort through. 'Course, the loudest thought that's shouting over all the others is ' _Who are you, Hisao?_ ' But I don't think I could be less equipped to deal with that one. 

I press my forehead against the cool wall of the shower, juxtaposing the hot water. I almost groan, but I'm rendered silent by the sound of footsteps getting closer and closer. 

"Hisao! Hisao! Dude, we did it! We--" 

" _Touch the shower curtain and die, Kenji._ " 

The footsteps stop. "Buzzkill." A sigh. "Whatever. But listen man, this is super important! I'll talk to you in a minute. God, this is the biggest success..." Vague mumbling trails off, and it seems like he left too. I feel sick. 

 

I wait as long as I can before heading back to talk to my, uh, companion, but eventually I have to. Unlike me, he seems to be on top of the world. I'm not sure whether to be relieved. I do my best to ignore him as I curl up in the corner, desperately trying to make sense of literally anything. 

"Dude, this is our  _win!_ We just  _won!_ The women, no sorry, the feminists, can't do anything to us now! They have nothing to offer! We have no need of women anymore, Hisao! This is the ultimate victory! Man, listen, this changes  _everything,_ I don't even need to hide now, not when they've lost all their power... this is  _major..."_

_Kill me. Kill me. Please kill me. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh god, oh, fuck. Shit. What the fuck. What the fuck? God, kill me, just kill me now, what the hell have I done..._

My body is shaking and I can't discern why. I'm not  _that_ upset. 

Okay, maybe I am. A little. 

Oh god. 

 

\------- 

 

"You look different." The cheery voice pulls me out of some kind of stupor. When did I show up to school? That was a dumb move on my part. What's the point of being in class when I can't focus myself enough to even breathe steady? 

My eyelids flutter, but I force my eyes to turn in the direction of the voice. Emi. I should've known. "Yeah?" 

She grins, more teasing than serious. "Totally.  _Something_ happened." She laughs, a noise specifically designed to grate my ears and make me groan. "Spill." 

"Nothing. Just, ugghh..." I lose my train of thought halfway through my sentence, but find it again a moment later. "...tired." 

This time she laughs out loud, a sharp noise that beings back my wishes and prayers for death. "That's total bull, Hisao! C'mon..." She mock-pouts. "Pleeaase tell me?" 

I set my head back down on the desk. "Head, ache, that's it." 

"Man, what happened? Did someone punch you? Did you get broken up with? Ooh," She giggles, and her tone switches from teasing to what seems to be just trying to get a reaction out of me in any way possible. Her voice falls, and takes on a serious quality, but it's obviously just as teasing as before. "Did you--" She's cut off a shriek. Man, I should stop assuming there aren't worse sounds, because the universe seems to be one-upping itself over and over again. 

" _Hicchan~!_ You totally did something crazy, huh? Crazy enough so you don't want to talk about it, not so crazy that you had to stay home from school. Hmm..." Misha pauses, presumably thinking. "Oh, did you like, lose your virginity?" 

What the  _hell!_ I feel my fingernails dig into my arm involuntarily. 

"Wait, seriously?" The disbelief in Misha's voice is palpable. "I was  _kidding!_  But I guess I was right~" 

I want to go home. 

"Nooo, Shiichan, it's fine." 

I really would like to be anywhere but here. 

Emi's freaking out too. I thought I wasn't close to these girls. Didn't I spend an entire night drinking and lamenting about how no one at this school likes me? I guess I was wrong. I do have friends here, I guess. But, then again, didn't that night lead to... uh... other events? 

I can't make up my mind. Do I regret it?

Wait a minute, yes, I do, obviously. 

I'm not thinking clearly. My head is still foggy. 

"Oh, so who  _is_ it, Hisao?" Emi shakes my arm. I lift my head with great effort in a vague attempt to not be rude. 

"Like I'd tell you." I force a smile and hope it looks genuine. I am genuinely amused, but I honestly didn't think I was capable of smiling until I tried, and it was a surprise even then. 

She groans at me. "Nooooo, you can't leave me hanging like that!" 

But the bell rings, leaving her forever in mystery. I head out, flashing her an 'I win' look on the way.

 

\--------

 

Three and a half hours later, I'm back in my room. Thanks to a certain few girls, my spirits have actually lifted. That is, until I am confronted with the sight of a closed and locked door. Luckily, it is Kenji's door, not mine. Still. I wonder if he's being scared, and avoiding me. I doubt it, though, since apparently just the sound of my footsteps were enough to prompt him to open the door. "Hey." The greeting he gives me feels unfitting, all things considered. I frown. 

"Hey. So, a conversation may be in order." 

Kenji rolls his eyes. "A conversation about what? We were victorious--we did it." 

"Yeah, but like, what now? I'm not gonna spend the next year avoiding you. I mean, I could, but you live across the hall from me, so I'm not sure how well that'd go." I glance at the ground. 

"Well, I mean," He's looking at me like I'm an idiot, "it's kind of obvious." He shrugs. "We learned co-dependence. Independence from females, right? To maintain that, we'd have to, uh, stay... co-dependent." 

I swallow. "So you're saying we... stay together." 

"Yeah." A pause. "Duh." 

"No, yeah, okay. Sure. I can do that." My mouth is speaking without my brain's input. Kenji's face lights up, though, and my noisy mind goes mysteriously quiet. 

"So, like. Do y'wanna come in?" 

 

\--------

 

There has been... time. Time has passed. News... has spread. People were very,  _very_ excited to hear about this new development, though it seems like most of them find it more amusing than anything. I'm not sure whether to be irritated. I decide not to be. 

Kenji goes to class now. Well, he went to class anyway, but now he goes semi-regularly. Granted, I basically have to escort him there and back (I'd consider that the main way people figured shit out. It's not exactly an inconspicuous image) but it still counts. 

I've found myself almost alarmingly okay with the entire situation. Back a few weeks ago, this seemed like a total worst case scenario, but, well, I'm strangely happy. I don't know if I can explain it. 

Well, maybe I can. There's quite a few upsides to the situation--namely, having a boyfriend who I may or may not be slowly falling in love with. That's definitely a plus as long as I can admit it. Which I can, though it sure did take some practice. 

There's also... other things, of course. Emi pointed me towards the lesser known uses of the track's storage shed. I kind of wanted to hit her. 

And speaking of Emi... 

 

"Hisao, I can't believe you didn't tell me." Emi's voice isn't angry, far from it, but she's hit me on the arm twice already with no explanation. 

I'm beginning to regret agreeing to have lunch with her and Rin. Well, Rin isn't much of an issue. At the moment, she's fixated on a particularly interestingly shaped cloud. It looks normal to me. "Tell you what?" 

"That you were  _gay the whole time,_ obviously! Hisao, you really are dense," She laughs, "I had the biggest crush on you earlier this year. You know you're the second guy to do this to me? Maybe I'm cursed." She swings her legs. She doesn't have her running blades on, something which I was made very aware of by her almost ten straight minutes of complaining. "I have a crush on a guy and they all get boyfriends. I don't even get the chance to drive them away." She sighs melodramatically. "Eh, one day." Her smile returns. 

"I'm not gay, Emi." 

She gives me a look. "You have a serious boyfriend." 

My cheeks heat. "Th--That's a good point, but, uh..." I cough, forcing a smile. "No, I definitely still like girls." 

She shrugs anyway. "Doesn't matter now, does it?" 

"Guess not." 

I decide not to dwell on the fact that all my laments about no one wanting to date me or whatever were completely invalid. Not only was I talking to someone who would later be someone very important indeed, but there was also a girl who was into me. 

Wild. I say I won't dwell on it, but I'm not sure I'll ever be over that one.

 

\--------

 

It's not what I expected. None of this is what I'd expected. But... 

 

\--------

 

Kenji places the console on the table between us. "Check it out." 

I study it, searching to see if he'd hidden anything on it. "Yeah, nice. May I ask why it is sitting on this restaurant table?" 

"What, you think I was just gonna leave it lying around? Don't be stupid." He's smiling, though. So am I. 

"Order your damn food." 

He does, as do I. When it comes out, it's alright. Just alright. I don't really have it in me to complain, though--the day's already been perfect, and we didn't really come here for the food, anyway. Well, honestly, Kenji didn't want to come at all. I kind of had to drag him, but it seems like it was the right choice. 

"So, you say you didn't want to leave the console lying around, but like," I raise an eyebrow. "you know, I don't think it's very risky to leave it in the home that we  _own,_ Kenji. The doors do lock." 

"You can never be too careful!" 

I can't help but grin. "God, you're lucky you're cute." 

 

\--------

 

...it is an ending. And I'm pretty damn certain it's a good ending. 


	2. Epilogues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a bunch of little mini stories. they're not all in chronological order, but they all take place after the main story.
> 
> also, i didnt want to tag this story with Major Character Death because this isnt really a part of it and its extra and theres no death in the original, but this one does go over how they die and its fairly in depth. so. tw i guess
> 
> i was planning on killing them with natural causes but my friend convinced me of this so here we are
> 
> btw this is mostly happy shit so like. i'm just giving fair warning of misery

"I have the  _best_ plan, dude. Check these out." 

The stack of envelopes dropped on my lap is extravagantly tall. I have to drop my book to grab them, lest they all topple over. "What're these?" 

Kenji practically glimmers. "Invitations." 

"To what?" 

"Absolutely nothing!" He grins. "Okay, think about this: These are all the addresses of billionaires and millionaires I could find. We send out these invitations to a wedding, they send an obligatory gift and we get stuff." He grabs the top envelope and waves it around. "There you go." 

I sigh. True that Kenji's toned down the paranoia since we were teenagers, but he's no less illogical and extravagant. He has this skill of striking a perfect balance of amusing and irritating me. "What wedding?" 

He shrugs. "Ours. It's not real though." 

If it had been anyone else, I'd immediately assume this was some underhanded hinting. But I genuinely don't think he'd do that. This is probably a real idea he's proposing to me. "Okay, whatever. You typed these, right? Your handwriting is atrocious." 

"Yeah, obviously." He grabs the rest of the fake invitations, struggling to not drop them, and runs off towards the door. "You'll  _see!_ " 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

“Hey, help me read this.” 

“You order the same exact thing every time we come here. Just get that.” 

“No, come on Hisao, just read this one word for me.” 

I roll my eyes and slide to the other side of the table, up next to him. “It says mushrooms.” 

“Oh. Gross.” He makes a face. I slide back to my seat, mourning the loss of touch. “Hey, by the way, I completely forgot my wallet at home, so...” 

I shake my head. “You’re useless, Kenji.”

 

~~~~~~~~

 

"Hisao, we have a very urgent problem." 

"What?" 

"One of the billionaires RSVP'd yes." 

"Oh, god. So are you going to tell them it was a lie?" 

"No, dude, no! I can't do that! Do you have a death wish?" 

"What's your plan?" 

"I was, uh, hoping you'd help with that." 

"Well... I mean, it's kind of a boring answer, but we could just have a wedding?" 

"Like, a whole fake wedding? Man, that's too much effort for this. I'll just say it's cancelled." 

"We could have a real one?" 

"What?" 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“H…Haah…” 

 

“You okay? Be okay, I—”  


 

“Fine.” It’s a total lie, but I’ll be okay in a moment.   


 

“It—you don’t look—have you been—?”   


 

I gasp for air as nonchalantly as I can. “Since when have you been this, I dunno, considerate? Just go on some random rant and I’ll half listen and then go in my own room…”   


 

“What?… No, dude, no high school shit. You know I…” He cuts himself off. “Just. You know.”   


 

“Yeah, I do. I’m sorry.”   


 

“But are you actually okay? Be serious. No bullshit.”   


 

I consider this. The hand still poised over my chest is a dead giveaway. I give up. “No. I’m not. Please help me.”   


 

He shakes his head. “Thought so.” 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

"Hicchan!" Misha's lilting voice is a surprise to me. I haven't seen her in quite some time. I'm just sitting at a bus stop, and here she is--her voice still maintains her childish speech patterns, but her tone is actually a bit more mature. "What's going on with you?" 

"You know, the same." 

“Don’t lie to me, Hicchan! You know I see through it!” She places her hands on her hips defiantly. It’s a childlike move.

I roll my eyes. “Nah, Micchan. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

“ _Micchan?_ ”

“Payback for all the years of Hicchan.” I smile at her. She shakes her head emphatically.

“Okay, okay! No more Hicchan.”

“After all this time? Oh, such a burden lifted!” She fake-pouts at me. “Oh, so what’s changed with you?”

This earns a smile from her. A bright one. A genuine one. “I have a girlfriend, actually!”

“Really? What’s her name?”

“Iwanako!”

 

~~~~~~~~

 

I blink once.   
  
I inhale twice.   
  
I scan the room three times.   
  
Damn. Well, this is a surprise. I thought I was gone. I thought I’d died.   
  
I close my eyes.   
  
Misha’s still in town. She’ll probably be here at some point. It’s even possible she’ll bring Iwanako.   
  
I shudder. I hope she doesn’t.   
  
And Kenji, of course. I don’t know who else might show up here. I don’t know if anyone else will. Lilly and Hanako live far too far away, I haven’t spoken to Shizune in years. I don’t have many close friends, I can’t remember the last time I spoke to my parents.   
  
It’s depressing enough that I almost forget about the incessant beeping from next to me. This is necessary, is it? Sometimes I wonder why I bother with all the treatment. This damn condition will probably kill me one day anyway. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t just let it take me in it’s own time.   
  
But I know why. I know there are reasons.   
  
They’re standing in the doorway. 

  
  
~~~~~~~~

 

"Kiss him, you dimwit."

It's less of a party, and more of a make-fun-of-me-and-Kenji. Mostly me. 

Since it was the first time in several years we'd all been in town together, we all got together. "We" would be myself, Rin, Emi, Hanako, Lilly, Misha, and Shizune. And Kenji. I didn't plan to bring him, but they wouldn't hear it. Emi apparently absolutely loves to make fun of us now, and I couldn't be bothered to be annoyed with her. Misha, meanwhile, is more comfortable when it isn't just her and her girlfriend and a bunch of people. She likes there being another couple. 

 

Guess I'll kiss him. 

I'm not sure why they treat me kissing my fiance as a major event. It's not exactly uncommon. 

Misha cheers. Iwanako kisses her and she shuts up. 

Iwanako still doesn't talk to me. 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

I can't remember the last time I moved. 

A few hours ago, maybe. Or a few days. 

I certainly can't remember the last time I did anything, or left the house, or... 

That's probably been a good couple weeks. I can't bring myself to care. 

It takes a great effort to keep my eyes open, but I can spare it. Watching the daylight change hue as night falls and dawn approaches is the only thing keeping me rooted in this world. Mentally, at least. Right now, it's dawn. I don't think I've slept all night. I used to blame the medications for my insomnia. I can't do that now. 

I study the simple patterns on the ceiling, illuminated by the pinkish light of the sunrise. 

The house is quiet. Perpetually quiet, and all too soon. I inhale, guarding my senses against oncoming emotions. It's futile. The silence is suffocating. If I were in a place where I was capable of being optimistic, I'd say I feel lonely. 

But it's a shit lie. 

Well, not a lie, maybe. It's not untrue. But it's a gross understatement, at least. 

Maybe this is just my spite. There's no one to tell me to take my medication, so I don't. Not that I ever had to be told, before. Not that he would've remembered to tell me. In that sense, nothing's changed. But I'm taking out my anger on myself. 

I find myself wishing that any of them would appear here, magically--one of the girls from all the way back at Yamaku. Most of them I haven't seen since. I know where they are, though. None of them are coming here. 

Misha went on a holiday with Iwanako a few years ago and never returned. When I reached out to confirm she hadn't died, I learned they'd decided to move permanently. 

Shizune is on the move a lot, so it seems. Who knows where she is now. It seems like whatever her profession is requires travel. I hope she's happy. 

Lilly teaches Japanese back in Scotland. There were some problems in Japan I'm not aware of, so she switched over to there. 

Hanako lives in Scotland too, but I don't know what her profession is, if any. 

Emi is way up in northern Japan. Some competition. 

Rin... well, I honestly have no idea where Rin is. But it wouldn't matter anyway. 

So I'm on my own. I thought this was my good ending. Is it? I'm laying here, alone, practically catatonic. 

I thought I wasn't alone. I thought that was the point. 

I was wrong. 

My heartbeat feels jagged. Each beat sends a sharp pain through my body. Doesn't your chest hurt when you're sad? Yeah, I think that's a thing. I'm finally managing to fall asleep, too. I can tell, my vision is hazing. 

My brain feels thick. Thinking takes a conscious effort. Maybe I'd feel differently about my current state if I didn't feel like my head was stuck in molasses. 

I want to fall asleep. I want to sleep until I don't feel this way anymore. I want to wake up ready to get up, get dressed, and do something. Well... I can dream. 

I allow sleep to claim me. It feels... it feels... different. Different from most times when I fall asleep. Usually it feels like slipping off into another world, a hazy state. This doesn't feel like that. It feels like entering emptiness. It doesn't feel sweet. It feels... terrible. 

There is nothing waiting for me on the other side of consciousness. I will not dream. 

For the briefest of moments, before I give way, my brain catches up with my body and panic begins to grip me. I've realized. I won't wake up. 

I'm dying. 

...

That's okay.   
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~

  
   
“And listen—it was the wildest thing!  _Every_ single night, yeah, no pause or anything.” He almost laughs, but it’s overtaken by a bitter expression. “Not sure where it came from. It was real paranoia, y’know. I’d like to think I’m not nuts.” 

“I don’t think you ever really were. You can’t control dreams. It just freaked you out, yeah?” 

“Yeah, but then I’d incorporate all the stuff that scared me—well, you know all that. I dunno. Just weird to think about it now. What a time.” 

The road is busy. I’m eyeing it half-heartedly. Kenji obviously can’t even tell most of what’s happening, so that’s always my job. It’s fair, I guess. “Is that why…?” 

“Yeah. Didn’t go anywhere, sure as hell didn’t sleep. You know what that’s like. I told you—there’s nobody like you. You know, you listen. You’re open.” 

This time, I smile at the phrase. Oh, back when it was an embarrassing thing to hear, something that I feared the meaning behind. The meaning was obvious all along, it turned out. “Yeah. I do…” 

_When’s the last time I…_  

Huh? 

_…catches up with my body…_  

Kenji runs out ahead of me, gesturing vaguely towards something. I can’t hear him. Something’s wrong. Something’s very wrong. 

_I think I…_  

Me? No, I’m perfectly fine. I press two fingers to my neck, confirming my mostly regular pulse. That’s not it. 

_Pink sunlight through the curtains…_  

So then, what… 

_…Perpetually empty, all too soon._  

What could possibly… 

_I’m alone. Alone._

The connection clicks into place as Kenji missteps, falling off the side of the curb and into the busy street. 

_Neglect. Wasting away. Worthless time._  

I blink, trying to clear my vision. I can’t see. I’m running over. I’m pulling out my phone. I’m calling an ambulance. 

_Every beat a sharp pain through my body…_  

The ambulance arrives. It’s too late. 

_…this is normal, right?_  

It’s too late. I bite my lip. The situation hasn’t hit me yet. I’m prolonging the inevitable. 

_Panic grips me. I’m d…_  

I close my eyes. The city around me has fallen to silence. Or it hasn’t, but I can’t hear it anymore. I’m vaguely aware of being on my knees. Of the hot red covering my hands. 

_I’m dying. This is okay._    


 

Kenji is dead.

 

~~~~~~~~


	3. Misha's Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> misha finds somethign, ;)
> 
> (it's from misha's pov btw)

My hand trembles on the doorknob.

I can’t figure out why I’m so nervous. I sigh, forcing myself to turn the knob. It’s unlocked. I blink, mildly surprised.

I’m here to check on Hisao. He hasn’t returned my phone calls or texts, the number of which is beginning to approach double digits.

I’m scared.

I don’t know why. By all means, everything should be fine. I’ll open some door and find a miserable Hisao. 

And that’s all.

I take a breath, then two. I find myself distantly aware of how dark the house is. It’s usually lit well, bright and lively. And I can’t chalk that up to Kenji’s death, either—he was never the one who made sure the lights were always on, making sure the house was always joyful.

It was always Hisao. I knew that well enough.

He was dedicated to keeping everyone happy. He devoted himself to this home, to his career.

This place, I think, almost looks dilapidated.

It feels like uncovering an ancient ruin.

Pictures that line shelves are covered in dust. Books are stacked delicately at random intervals. Hisao’s favorite reading spots, I assume.

They’re empty.

I know why I’m supposed to be here. Confirming Hisao’s safety. But that mission seems… ill-advised, suddenly. A sinister chill threatens to drive me out. I continue on.

The feeling of abandonment is palpable and suffocating. The sheer silence is deafening.

I’m looking through their things. I know I shouldn’t, but… I think… I need proof that this is not an ancient ruin. That this is a home that, only a bit over a month ago, was lively and joyous.

A letter?

A letter from Iwanako?

Why does Hisao have a letter from my girlfriend?

It’s dated… it’s from all the way back at Yamaku. They knew each other? How? It must’ve been bad. Iwanako avoids him. I thought she just… huh.

Interesting.

I don’t read the letter. I don’t want to invade their privacy that badly. Hisao… doesn’t deserve that. I know what this feels like. I know how bad something small like this feels when you’re at your lowest.

I grimace, remembering my darkest hour. All the way back in high school.

No. I shake my head. Today is about Hisao. Absentmindedly, I pick at the old mark on my left wrist. It’ll never go away.

I scan the room for a door that looks like it might lead to a bedroom.

I open a couple. A bathroom. What seems to be a spare room? No, this is the bedroom. I can tell. It has the feeling of a room that used to be lived in. This is the room they shared. I swallow hard. Hisao isn’t in here. From personal experience, that is not a good sign.

But he wasn’t in the bathroom either. Which is a good sign.

I continue. More doors to look in. Eventually, I open one, and I immediately know it’s the one.

The aura that emanates from it is thick and stifling. I suddenly feel very ill. My body urges me to leave immediately. I’m going to be sick.

No. I’m not.

I hold my breath, and look around the room, trying to take in my surroundings, trying to find him. I see no one.

This is the spare bedroom. But the bed is made, and unslept in. The room is large. There’s a closet for me to look inside, hoping for a clue. Nothing. I search the barren desk. Nothing. I call out. Nothing.

Maybe I was wrong. Then what in the world is this terrible, terrible feeling?

If he’s not in here, something is. Something is wrong.

I look down.

Everything comes together. I was so tense, I was holding my neck straight up. I didn’t look down, not even an inch.

But below me is…

It’s him.

It’s Hisao.

His eyes are open, but only a crack. They’re hazed, empty. Cold. There’s a small smile on his face, contented, and condemned.

Hand over his chest.

The dots all connect. I can see the whole picture.

I fall to the ground, I take his hand. It’s cold, lifeless. I don’t know what I expected. Sudden warmth? For the universe to prove me wrong, somehow?

My heart feels cold.

No, please, god, Misha, don’t say that.

I squeeze my eyes shut. My very wording is… no…

I can’t put myself at fault. No one is at fault.

And Hisao is smiling. I can’t ignore that. His last moment couldn’t have been a miserable one.

Still.

I think I’m shaking. I can’t tell.

I need to leave here. I need to get out right now. I’m going to be ill.

I need…

…

…I need Shizune.

I haven’t seen Shizune in a long time. We left on good enough terms, I guess, but…

I need Shizune.


End file.
